I Don't Believe It!!!!
We all remember those ditos such as nursery rhymes like Little miss Muphet, and Georgy Porgy Pudding and Pie, also, Hickory dickory dock, well, as Dr. Jekyll I reckon that it's my job to attempt to bring you my versions of the above and more, this way I can once and for all stamp my authority of being classed as totally mad and twisted.....here goes.
Little Miss Muphet she sat on her tuphet eating her curds and whey (basically a soured milk compound that is the basis of cheese), along came a spider who sat down beside her and frightened her away.....but she came back an bashed the little sod to bits with her spoon.
Georgy Porgy pudding and pie, kissed the girls and made them cry, when the boys came out to play, he kissed them too because he's funny that way...hmmmm, hello sailor
The grand old Duke of York, he had ten thousand men, he marched them up to the top of the hill, then he marched them down again, and when they were up they were up, and when they were down they were down, and when they were only half-way up, they were.....sod that for a laugh they all said, we're off to the bleeding pub.
Three blind mice, see how they run, they all run after the farmers wife who cut off their tails with a carving knife......right, were's that bloody phone number for the RSPCA, the bloody cruel cow.
Hickory Dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock, the clock struck one, and deafened the little bastard, and it fell off and broke it's back on the floor....
Old Mother Hubbard she went to the cupboard to get her poor doggy a bone, but when she got there the cupboard was bare, so the doggy bit her bloody leg off.
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, all the kings horses and all the kings men tried to put Humpty back together, but they gave up, said sod it and all pissed off to the local tavern.
Ride a cock-horse to Banbury cross, where you'll see a beautiful lady on a white horse, she'll have rings on her fingers and bells on her toes....(she's a bloody tart)......tell her that Steve sent you and she'll give you a 15 per cent discount.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water, Jack fell down and broke his crown and.....then kicked Jill's arse for pushing him down the bleeding hill.
There was a poor little bird on the ground one day, he had a broken wing, and he also had a broken leg, poor little soul couldn't sing and he couldn't fly.....useless bleeder.
I was in the garden last summer, I walked to the vegetable patch, in the heat of the day the air was still and quiet, my ears picked up the faint sobbing and crying of what I at first thought was a child crying some houses away, but as I walked around the veggie patch my ears pin-pointed the sound to a beautiful blue-headed flower, were, upon it, was a small red Ladybird crying and sobbing it's little heart out (no, please don't laugh yet), anyway, I sensed that this very small creature could speak, so I asked her why she was so upset, she replied (in between tears) that she had no mommy, no daddy or brothers and sisters, they were all dead, murdered by a lawnmower that very same morning, I told her that God loved her, she seemed to stop crying and asked "Does He", "Yes he does" I replied, "do you want to meet him?" "Oh, yes please" so I squashed her.....
Old King Cole was a merry old soul, and a merry old soul was he, he called for his pipe, and he called for his drum and he called for his fiddlers three.....the reply was, piss off you old fart, get it all yourself.
